My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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