weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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