I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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