i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
