just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
He's on the porch naked. Help.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
