I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
you had me at cake vodka
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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