EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
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