The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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