Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
