Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
