Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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