I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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