I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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