when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
