We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
