Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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