i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
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