You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
