Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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