Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Randomize
