I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
