my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
