The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
