Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I look better un-naked...
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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