I'm jealous of your bromance
from now on my penis is your penis
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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