Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
