To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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