Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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