Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
