judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
Randomize
