Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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