we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
Randomize
