ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
