Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
