My room smells like vodka and shame
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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