Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
