i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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