that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
She bit a glass in half.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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