and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
