she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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