I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Randomize