If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
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The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
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I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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