Umm I'm too high to move.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
