My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
