i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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