i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Randomize
