I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
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there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
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We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
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