I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Randomize
