What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
