Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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