I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
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After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
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Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
God I need to hump something, right now.
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