Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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