That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
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