I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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