Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
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this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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