You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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