Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
