rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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