Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Randomize
